Some more pics

I also want to say that I appreciate everyone looking out for me. My blues are getting better but it will be nice to get back to normal. I still am so happy to have my little girl. I want to be pregnant again but honestly can't imagine how I will be able to love 2 because it seems like she gets my everything.

A joy

My little girl is growing fast! She is smiling and cooing. She keeps wanting to sit up on her own and doing mini crunches, it is awesome!

2 months has gone

Sorry I haven't been keeping up. Things are getting away on me. Pumpkin is doing fine and growing like a weed. Me, on the other hand, some post pardum.

I miss being pregnant. I miss being thin. I miss having things surround me. And also, I am still very much jealous of pregnant people. Why is that? Will I never be happy for anyone again? Will I always be miserable because I was miserable for so long? Will I ever forgive those who can get pregnant easily?

7 weeks of pure joy (and sleeplessness)

She is starting to sleep throughout the night, unfortunately she thinks night starts at 1 am. She will sleep from 4-6 hours, depending on how much she was up during the day and then a couple 3 hour blocks.

We go out every afternoon shopping or visiting, I am loving parenthood.

5 weeks and growing strong

Sorry she has been keeping me busy. She is growing stronger and bigger. At 3 weeks (in photo) she was 10 pounds. Nights are a bit better and we love her so much.

One week later

Well after some sleepless nights and sore boobies later, we are getting on to a good track.

I needed the use of a nipple shield so the little princess would not strip my nipples. And we still are supplementing with formula when she is really hungry and I have nothing left to give. That tends to be at night when she is really hungry. There was a 4 day stretch in which she would feed from 12 till almost 4 in the morning non-stop getting so much. But she never puked it up and her pee and poop is right on track so we must just have a healthy eater. We will find out tomorrow at the docs.

But last night we had an excellent night! We slept from 10:30 - 1:15, 2:45 - 5:00 and 6:30 - 9 with her feeding in between for an hour and sleeping on me for a half hour. I hope this keeps up.

I am in paperwork hell trying to figure out my EI benefits, my top up from work and her ss number, health card and birth certificate. What a nightmare.

But she is so worth it. I still look at her and I pinch myself. This girl is a true gift from God.

Nevaeh Lacey

Baby is here!

On Sunday night I had trouble sleeping, only got about 2 hours. I got up at 4 am and did my exercise tape then shovelled massive amounts of snow off the driveway. The rest of the day I just layed around and watched TV. Matt went to watch Thanksgiving Day football with friends. I told him to have fun and drink some beer, there was nothing happening here. He texted me at 6:45 that night to double check. I replied that nothing would happen and pressed send. I still had the phone in my hand when I was setting it down, and my water broke. All over the carpet. I waddled to the bathroom with a towel between my legs and called him back.

We had his brother drive us since Matt had had a couple beers. Got to the hospital after leaking all over the house trying to do last minute things. I was 75% and 2cm dialated. They were really busy so observed me for an hour, if no change I was going home or getting inducing drugs. I was 4 cm on next change so they got me into my birthing room. Around 11 I was 4-5 and still feeling good. Yes I felt the contractions but I was still laughing. I decided to do the epidural then so if needed pitocin ( which I did) I wasn't in pain. The epidural was hard to get in, took 6 locals and 4 sticks before she found a spot. Apparently I have a very boney spine. It hurt but was worth it. I went from 5-8 in no time after the pitocin with no pain but then something went wrong with my epidural and every time I did the booster my back spasmed in pain. So I chose not to booster anymore because I needed my back for pushing. I went from 8 to 10 by 7 a.m. I laboured till 8 then they came in and had me on my side. When I felt the pressure of contractions I was pushing on my side, on my own to move her down because she was at -1 station. That worked so at 8:30 I started pushing with help (one leg up on my side). We had some progress so at 9 a.m. we moved to my back with me holding my legs up with help. I had many students in there watching (one passed out). At 9:15 the doc entered. It was nice, they did not tell me when to push, I told them when I felt the contraction and the urge. So if I wanted to skip a contraction to rest I could. They only kept encouraging when I was pushing to make the best of it.

Nevaeh Lacey was born at 9:29 a.m. on October 14th at (get this) 8 pounds 11 ounces. She is a wonderful baby! Barely fusses and loves her mommy and daddy. We are breast feeding but due to some latching problems, I have to supplement due to really sore nipples. She was sucking and my milk came in but she sucks so hard she actually sucked some skin off. I am giving my nipples a break (and partaking in a vodka) while dh gives her some formula.

We are so in love. To quote my fav show, "First we had each other, then we had you. Now we have everything." Sex and the City

39 weeks, 3 days and counting

(im)patiently waiting

Yes I am still here and yes I am still pregnant. I had hoped she would be out by now but she is taking her time. My whole family (including me) is very prompt and often early - I thought she would follow.

As of right now, I am feeling contractions here and there but nothing to severe and definitely nothing to rush to the hospital for. My doc seems to think I will go soon but he doesn't check for dialation at my weekly visits. I am not sure if I like that or not but I guess there is no false hope that way.

My back is killing me but at least I am getting some sleep and I am living in my sweats. It is so nice not having to dress up for work.

I had my shower last weekend - everything went great. I have a super friend who made sure everything was perfect. I made out like a bandit.

Hopefully we will see some action soon but for now I am just chilling at home, waiting out the last couple days as a family of 2.

My last day of work! YIPPEE

Well I have made it, I didn't think I would but I did. It has been a long road, the sleepless nights, the backaches, the cramps, the feeling of I just don't want to be here. But as I sit here I know I will miss it. I will miss the travelling part of job, it was fun to get out and see the country. I will miss the witty banter of our all female branch, we always have a blast. I will miss the social gatherings where booze ran a plenty and I will miss the people I work with. I am one of the few who can honestly say I love my job.

But I also know I am embarking on what will start out to be the most difficult part of my life, becoming a mother. I know I am in for a whirlwind of emotions, sleepless and worryful nights, periods of time where I won't know what end is up, physical and mental pain, all on top of being responsible for a life I helped create. It is scary but I think I am ready.

Total side note - what the hell was I thinking when I bought maternity clothes? I will know better next time. I did not buy any of the pocket belly pants because I thought they were totally hidious. well they are but apparently totally necessary. I only bought the wide band ones. Well now my belly is way too big and the band folds over under the belly - but none of m y shirts are long enough to cover the belly so I have a strip of flesh that shows. I am beyond caring. I wish I would have bought a belly band that gives it the look of layering but I refuse to buy anything now. I will just know better next time.

Alrighty Then

I guess I am getting bigger. I have already had several people who just saw me last week do the back up and 'woa!!!! are you ever big!' Really? I thought I was losing weight.

Yes that is right, with every passing day I am getting more and more bitter. This child is already proving to be dificult and she is not even out yet! She is constantly moving around and jabbing when and hwere she can and she is not listening. I tried reasoning with her, bartaring with her even begging her. Please come out soon! I even promised her a car and nothing. What is she going to be like as a teenager?

I am on my third last day at work and that is a really good thing for several reasons. First - no clothes fit me fully anymore. I never bought any pocket belly pants cause I think they look ugly but now I regret it. All my pants slide down the belly and all my shirts don't go down far enough so I have this wedge of skin that shows all the time. Second - I am sick of smelling like pee. I dribble all the time and maybe it is just my sensitive nose but I swear five minutes out of the shower and I can smell pee again. Third - I am a walking zombie. I don't sleep anymore and it is really affecting how I think. I have this permanent duh look on my face. I just want to be at home, catch up on all the things that need to be done and relax.

Matt is already talking about the next baby. I told him unless he grows a uterus in the next couple years that ain't happening for a while.

In the home stretch

When I used to hear about pregnant women complaining about the last couple weeks, I used to think how bad can it be really? I mean come on, surely it wasn't that tough? Well now I know and yes it is. I take it all back - the last few weeks are hell.

Not only are you constantly wondering when it is going to happen and paying attention to what comes out of 'that area' of your body, your constant aches and pains stop you from enjoying your last few kidless weeks.

Lets start the list of complaints with my back. You all know that I have battled this now for about 20 weeks. Well it has gotten worse. Whatever was paining me on the right side has now migrated all over my back. No matter how I am sitting, laying, standing, it all hurts. I used to be able to sleep licely on my side/stomach. Well now it hurts my back too much to be on my side and hurts my abdomin to be on my stomach. Not to mention if I lay flat I end up waking up to throw up because of the heartburn. So I get to sleep propped up, on my back with my head to the side (which hurts the neck but oh well). And when I say sleep I really only mean 1 hour interval naps in between pee sessions.

And she has dropped. I constantly have pressure down there to the point where it feels like someone punched me in the crotch. (Someone could have, I am too tired these days to notice). I also have a hell of a time getting out of bed or chairs. Everything hurts so much.

I have just about grown out of all my shirts and quite a few pants. My last round at Thyme Maternity was at 30 weeks but I refuse to buy anymore. And that go around was just a nice sweater for my showers and some nursing pjs.

Oh yeah, bras suck! My cup size is not going up but my ribcage is.

I am started to wonder if she is a girl. I know if she comes out a boy I will love him just as much but I won't lie, I will be dissapointed. Ever since we started trying 4.5 years ago I wanted a little girl. And now I hear of all the ultrasounds that have been wrong, I get worried. I know in the end it won't matter what sex, so long as baby arrives happy and healthy but still.

So all that plus getting winded doing anything just makes me miserable. The only thing getting me through this is knowing my beautiful baby is getting ready for her journey to come meet us. She is getting nice and healthy at my expense, but when I put it that way, I am not that miserable after all.

The Nursery

holy crap!

For the past 35 weeks I have been obsessing about the pains and tribulations of pregnancy, but I really didn't think about the end result. I know that sounds stupid, I know a baby comes out of me - but I never conteplated the actual 'raising the baby' part.

I am scared beyond my wildest nightmares about childbirth, but I think I might be more afraid about what comes after. I have been around children all my life, I have babysat newborns for weekends, I know what to do in situations, but I am scared that it will be all different.

Breast feeding will obviously be new. What if it doesn't work? I want so desperately for it to work. What if my baby has colic? I don't have a lot of patience. I love my sleep, how am I going to do feedings every couple hours? DH tries but he still needs guidence from me, what if he does something wrong? Will I know how to properly wrap her so she is not too hot or too cold? Will I drop her?

These are verging on panic and I don't like it. As much as I want her out, I don't want to go through childbirth and I dont' want to be responsible for another human being. I know we made the right choice in becoming parents, so why does it have to be so darn scary?

Pictures for you

Update

Thank you everyone for your concern. It has gotten into a tricky situation and all I can say right now is because of things beyond our control we have decided to back the adoption up and file again next year. I wish I could tell you more but all I can ask right now is that you keep the situation in your prayers and I will try and keep you updated.

I am heading for 34 weeks this weekend and couldn't feel crappier. I take that back, I am sure I could. :) My back is still giving me trouble and I am not sleeping well and the heartburn is horrible - but on the upside she is constantly making me aware of her. I will miss those little jabs (which by the way are starting to hurt as they get stronger).

I had a bit of a scare this weekend. Some spotting and some jelly like discharge made me fear the worst but my doc told me not to worry unless they come at the same time which they are not.

It could be that the heat of the summer is gone or that my weight is stabilizing but I am still holding steady at 36 pounds gained. More than I had wanted but it could be much much worse. I am trying to eat healthy but there are too many appetizing things out there!

I had a mini photo seesion with a friend so I will post some of those right away.

After all that

I cannot believe what is happening. We got a phonecall yesterday from our homestudy worker. Our province denied our application. They said we need to have 6 months in between children. We tried explaining that there is that time in between. So they back tracked and said we hid everything from them. We told them we were advised not to say anything till the 6 month mark because of my history. They told us to resubmit in 8 months but until then we have been removed from all lists which is not fair because we haven't even had this child yet. They can't remove us because I am pregnant!

I don't know what is going to happen. This means if we resubmit in 8 months, we would be looking at placement around October 2010. But if I get pregnant again any time, its on hold again. I don't have many years left to have more biological children, so now what do we do? Frankly Matt is so pissed that he just wants to stop it all but this is my dream. I am turning my back on a child and I can't do that.

Either way, we are out approx $3000. We had already paid the non-refundable retainer because I wanted to be proactive. That will teach me.

Since I have been complaining so much, here is my recent pics.

32 weeks.

The post I never wanted to post.

Nothing bad - I am still pregnant. In fact, that is it. On Friday I uttered the words I never thought I would "I am so sick of being pregnant." I was ashamed and shocked and then of course I started crying.

The last couple weeks have been rough. I have severe back pain to the point where I can't even walk anymore without crying. Nothing seems to resolve it either. It is my midback and stretches to my ribs. I cannot express to you what it feels like. Matt gets sick of rubbing my back and I am sick of trying to explain to him it is not a relaxing thing, it is a necessity.

My heartburn has peaked. Hopefully when baby drops this will taper a bit but for now I am loving the people over at the Zantac company.

The swelling continues to be a problem and is now accompanied by cramping and shortness of breath when I try to exercise. Compbine all those and you will know why I am at 36 pounds at 32 weeks. Yep, that's right, not a typo. Crap.

And the peeing. I now pee 8 times a night. I am not joking. She is pusing on my bladder so much that I barely have a sip of water and I need to pee. I have been trying to sleep in the master bedroom because there is abathroom attached but it has been so freaking hot I prefere to be two levels down in the basement where there is a 10C difference. Unfortunately the closest bathroom is on the main floor so that means climbing the stairs 8 times a night. It sucks.

Lastly - the mommy marks. I knew they were coming. I was happy they held off till now but still sad to see the beginnings of some tiny little stretch marks. They are on my sides, basically along the underwhere line heading down that general region. Still hard to see but by the end they will be strong. I hope they stay int hat general region though, that I can hadle.

I know it will be all worth it and I love this baby more than life itself, but I can't help but cry pretty much every day. I am sick of not feeling like myself. It sucked enough I missed the summer and now when I am getting a bit more comfty temp wise, the rest of me is giving out. I am even looking forward to the labour now because it means this will soon be over.

I just keep telling myself that in 8 weeks I will know why I did this. They just can't go by fast enough.

I have how much time left???

First I want to say that I am really appreciative that:
I have central air
I have a great boss who lets me leave if I need to
I have a husband who helps me when I am having trouble
I am more than blessed to have a baby in my tummy and a baby in my heart
And lastly, I have central air.

Now for the rant.

How freaking hot is it going to get?? It was 38C yesterday. Not only did I swell up like a balloon but I ended up dehydrated and really sick. I can't sleep properly because my back is hurting so much. I have leg cramps from hell and I can barely go up a flight of stairs without wanting tot ake a nap. And the heartburn has gotten so bad I am throwing up acid. And seriously? I am only 32 weeks this weekend? Give me a break. And considering this kid will probably go over by at least a week, I am looking at 9 more weeks of this.

I am getting sick of the same comments over and over. How long do you have left, your gonna be huge, do you know what it is, etc. So I have taken to really sarcastic remarks. When someone asks how long I have left and reply with I will be huge, I usually respond with a "at least the weight will come off, you can't lose the {ugly/attitude/fat/etc} that easy (I personalize each one :). When someone asks if I know what it is, I say yes, a baby. When they ask if I know the sex I say yes, that is what got me here in the first place.

The things that make you scream

I swear if one more person tells me I am big for 7 months I am going to scream. You don't think I know that? I am the one carrying around the extra load and I am the one that falls and can't get back up. Yeesh! I would dream of saying that to a pregnant women.

Another thing that makes me scream - I am 30 weeks! I am down to an appointment with the OB every 2 weeks and I am getting so close.

As well, the adoption has finally moved into the next stage. There is a few minor pieces we need to get before we ship everything off to the adoption agency. I can't believe how time is flying.

She's a rider fan too!

We went to the game yesterday and everyone thought it would be great to paint the belly. I got a lot of comments but the one I liked the most was "you don't have any stretch marks!" I can't believe that pleased me so much. :)

Yesterday I was laying on my side while watching TV and I had my hand on my belly like usual and the coolest thing happened. She stuck her foot out and left it there! I could not see the foot but there was a noticable bump sticking out. So I poked it and moved it. She let me move it for a bit, then drew it back and kicked me hard, almost like she was saying to leave her alone. It was a really neat experience.

Feel free to read!

I see I have some new readers, just wanted to let you know the more the merrier. I am bad about adding tags to my messages but I am glad Iluska you found this and keep reading!

Bring on the popcorn, its going to be a showdown

I don't know how many of you out there belong to different bulletin boards but if you are, you know what I am going to say.

I am sick of the drama! I am sick of people complaining that they never got the stuff at their baby shower that they had registered for. I am sick of hearing how cheap some presents were. Since when did this become about the gifts? I thought this was about the baby growing inside you? Be happy you even get a shower, I probably won't have one. I don't even want the presents, I just want to gather with people and show them my bump and celebrate the miracle growing inside me.

And how about all the bashers that need to call every single person out? Yes I am one of those who struggled to get pregnant and yes I swore I would never complain (I always lie :)) but come on. You don't expect me to never mention the fact that my ankles are huge and I retain about 10 extra pounds a day in water, or that my back hurts so bad sometimes I can't get up. Or what about the fact that I can't reach my feet to clip my nails. I am not complaining and wishing I had never done this, I am mearly expressing what is going on in my life. Frankly I would rather read about that then the useless threads like what my nursery closet looks like. Who the hell cares.

**steps off soapbox**

Okay, now that that is out of my system... I think I want popcorn.

Have another entry for the book I am writing

If I ever get around to writing that book I am going to dedicate a whole chapter to shaving. The legs aren't too bad, yes they are splothcy and I have cut myself several times but that isn't all that bad. It is the bikini area that is really giving me a run for my money.

I do not and never have liked it to be 'wild'. I have always been well trimmed and taken care of. (Tee hee, what a blog hey?) But it is impossible now! I have tried a mirror in the shower, even the anti-fog ones fog up. Plus there is nothing like dancing on a wet surface trying to manuever to see more. I have tried guessing (you can imagine how well that turned out) and at a last ditched effort, I tried dry shaving (hold for winces). Yes it hurt like hell and now on top of smelling like fart, I can't stop itching my crotch.

Speaking of fart, I have a story for you. I had a pregnancy dvd that had a couples section. I finally convinced Matt to do it with me - he only had to provide resistance. Well I was having a prety flatulent day and the workout had squats in it. You do the math. Well apparently even though I warned him, the one that came out was deadly. He started gagging and screaming 'Gross!' Well of course that made me laugh so hard I peed myself. I guess I don't have to tell you we won't be doing that again.

What next?

If you are or ever have been pregnant, I am sure you have read books like 'What to expect when you are expecting'. What they should write is 'All the stuff that noone wants to tell you because they had to find out on their own'.

It is the simple things I curse and don't find out till its too late. For example - I have an ingrown toenail on my foot. Simple right? You just file off the sharp part and away you go. That is until you try to manuever with a beach ball in front of you. I can't see my feet at the best of times, let alone now!

Also, a crude but necessary one, how the hell do you wipe your butt? At home I can dance around the mirror and make due, but what about at work when there is only stalls? And I have 2.5 months to go? Good Lord!

Here's another one, how to pee and wipe without getting any on your hand. It never fails, no matter how long I wait after the stream is done, the minute I start to wipe I pee on my hand. This is just getting disgusting.

I continually fart, no matter who is around. I was introduced to a new big wig at work and my office smelled like ass. They tried not to notice but you could tell. And right when Matt is giving me a massage or paying some attention to me, I let one go. It is so passed the point of funny because it is so involuntary.

And to top it off my pants keep shrinking. What fit around the thighs and butt a few days ago no longer does. Either they are shrinking or the damn dryer gnomes keep switching them with a smaller size. What? That has happened before!

28 weeks and 29 pounds later...

I am still hanging in there. Life is getting to be too much right now but I am trying to hold my own.

The hormones are horrible right now. The slightest thing sets me off and I can't stop crying. You would swear the world was coming to a close. And when something big happens like your family forgets your birthday (happened yesterday) your eyes swell shut.

I can only imagine what what post pardom will be like, yeesh.

On the other hand, I have decided to splurge. I had bought alot of stuff off my sister after she had her last 5 years ago but now that we are in a way better financial position I sold all that stuff (at a huge loss I may add) and I am buying brand new and top of the line. Screw it. I want my baby to have the rest. So since I didn't get any b-day gifts expect from my bf and Matt, I am buying the baby stuff instead.

I am also doing so-so with weight gain. I would rather not gain anymore but if I can keep it to the pound to pound and a half a week I have been I will be happy. I just wish my mom hadn't brought me back a swiss chocolate bar from Switzerland that has over 1500 calories and 450 grams of fat in it...

where did my body go?

I can handle the belly, I can handle the weight gain, I can handle the pain. I cannot, I repeat cannot, handle the fac that this pregnancy is interferring with my shoes.

My name is Jennifer and I am a shoe-aholic. I currently own around 50 pairs and can wear, about 2. I have gorgeous boots in several different colors that would look amazing with some of my pregnancy outfits. But the problem is not only are my feet swollen but I now have cellulite and water retention making my calves huge. I can not zip my boots up. Fun times.

If for some reason this pregnancy interferes with my purse fettish - there will be hell to pay.

This picture is the first one of the third (and final!) trimester.

Third Trimester

Well if you devide 4o by 3, it gives you 13.33. So that would make the start of the third trimester 26.66. That was yesterday so I guess today I am officially in my third trimester. All I can say is wow. This is all too surreal for me. Even though it was 4.5 years ago we started trying, it seems like yesterday we starting talking about a baby. It is sad to think I lost the last 4 years to obsessing but there is nothing I can do now.

Matt is still in love with the baby. He needs to understand that his hobbies and fun time will be cut but I am hoping he picks up on that early.

26 weeks and holding strong

Well I passed the 26 week mark. It does feel good to know that if something were to happen my child would have a fighting chance if she was born now. But she is strong and I know she will hang in there. In fact, I think she is so busy learning to tango by the feeling of the kicks and punches that she has no plan on making her exit any time soon!

Weight wise I yo-yo. In the morning I am still hanging in at 25 pounds but by night time it is 30. I know lots of that is water. (but some is chocolate)

We put together the nursery yesterday. What a feeling knowing that we can finally put all those items to use after storing them for 4 years! I will psot pics when it is fully done, I still have some organizing to do. But I am fully stocked in diapers now, I bought several packs and little things like nursing pads and such. I should start making a list of all that I need.

My next OB appointment is next Monday where I will be talking to him about the swelling and the back pain. The massage helped a bit but I am still having major trouble. And I cannot take too much longer with the swelling.

Back from our Babymoon

Well we are back from our trip and everything went great. I had quite a bit of swelling at the wedding because it was outdoors and hot and they didn't have water for a while. y legs and feet became stumps but they went down overnight.

Travelling was interesting---I limited my water intake so that we didn't have to stop very much. I did suffer because of it but honestly it was better than always having to go.

I ended up losing 2 pounds because of all the walking - but don't worry, I put it back on and more! We saw so much stuff, it was great.

I think the highlight for me was when we were sitting on the bed in the hotel room and I sneezed, and of course I peed myself. Not the bed, jsut enough to make my shorts wet. I commented on it and got up to go clean myself up. When I came back Matt was staring with his mouth open. He thought I was joking when I told him stories of my peeing myself. He couldn't believe it and I couldn't stop laughing at the look on his face...

25 weeks

Water is not my friend

I remember laughing at my sister's cankles, I think I am getting my payback.

I noticed yesterday that I had to retire my rings for fear they would have to be cut off. Then last night I noticed my ankles were, well, gone. I put my feet up for the rest of the night and by morning they were back to normal so I thought I just overdid it. Well within an hour they were swollen again. So here I type with my feet on my desk (not an easy task). Our trip will be interesting because we have 2 straight days of 12 hours each in the car. Putting my feet up is not the problem. Its the fact that I will have to drink alot of water which means peeing alot which means hubby gets grumpy. But he has been really good about everything - running around grabbing me things so I don't have to get up. He is truly a great guy.

I will spare you details because I know a lot of friends and family read this but Matt has had concerns about the baby that has prevented certain marital duties. He has even polled friends and family to see what their take on it was. He is not only scared he will hurt the baby but it also seems weird to him. Well bless the poor boy but he was so tired on the weekend from yard work yet still bucked up and, well, you know. I never realized how flexible I was before until I am not anymore. And good lord it is hard with 2 buddha bellies! Let's just say I laughed a lot. :)

fatty mcfattsen

It is one thing to feel fat. It is another thing for someone who is prominent in your life to call you fat.

Let me back up.

I am closing in on 23 weeks and I think my current 18 pound gain is acceptable. Sure I wish it was a bit lower but honestly, I am still within the guidelines for a healthy pregnancy. And for the most part it is all belly. Yes there is some deposits on my but and thighs but give me a break! When baby asks for icecream I have to give it to her!

Well I have someone - not going to name names, not even fake ones - who has currently lost quite a bit of weight. She went from a size 12 to an 8, maybe even a six. She made some changes in her life and weight was one of them. Good for her, I was happy. She had always been heavier than me and now she is not. But she has turned into a total biotch. Not only is she dressy trampy but she takes every opportunity to me how hot she is or how someone checked her out. And lately - how fat I have gotten. HELLO! I am pregnant! Now is not the time to be dieting for me.

When she was pregnant, she gain 75 pounds. I never said a word till a couple days before delivery and I said nice waddle - I was joking. Well now she is taking every opportunity to tell me how fat I am. Not only does it hurt but it pisses me off. I am not the one with all my goodies hanging out. I at least have the decency to cover up.

I've changed my mind

As much as I love this little baby and want to meet her, I am not going to give birth to her. Nope - no way.

I was under the impression that the 9 months leading up to labour were the worst. Yes I know labour is bad but when you talk to people they always tell you about the morning sickness, water retention, sore muscles, hemroids etc. Nobody tells you about all those little things that can happen before during or after labour.

I just read a website where women posted about things they wished they would have known. I wish I would have read it before getting pregnant or I just might still be on birth control.

First, the pain. I know its coming, but I didn't know to what degree. And then the epidural which itself is great but comes with all its extras like a catheter. And is it really going to be that painful to poo and pee after??

I am honestly sitting here shaking thinking what the hell did I do? I had a d&c so I know what it is like to be swollen down there but honestly it wasn't too bad. And I had a HSG where they shot dye through my tubes so I have dealt with bad cramping but that is where my pain history ends.

Everyone tells me it is worth it. But that doesn't help quench my fears. I don't want to be in pain from pooing when I should be holding my baby. Oh why oh why can't men have the kids?

Another day, another day closer

I have been asked if this baby makes everything better. I assume this means does it take away the heartache of losing the first. The answer is no. There is no band-aid that will ever fix that hole in my heart. I still mourn my angel. I still mourn the 4 years of my life I lost while consumed with trying to conceive. I will forever be cautious and I will never take a pregnancy for granted.

I know when I hold my baby, my thoughts of my angel may get farther and farther apart, but they will always be there.

I was told that when miscarriages happen, the baby is not ready and when he/she is, they will come back. Now knowing this one is a girl, I have to say I am a bit curious whether this is my angel baby just ready this time. I guess we will never know.

I am in love

I can't believe how I have gone all my life without this child. I am so in love already. Every tiny little kick (or punch or shove or whatever she is doing in there) makes me smile so big. She is my world, everything I do I think of her. We were putting in underground sprinklers and all I could think about is how she is going to love the lush yard once its done. We are buying a new sofa and all I can think is how she will be climbing all over it.

It certainly brings new perspective on life. Life is no longer about me, life is about her.

Knock me over with a feather!

Well I have an incredibly active baby in there. They had to bring in extra people to do the measurements because the baby kept kicking the probe. But everything looks great, measurements are good, weighs 1 pound and the tech is 95% sure its a girl! She got a good look between the legs a couple times and never saw any extra appendages.

I will post a couple of the u/s pics but I warn you, they are so blurry from my active baby that you can barely tell what it is.

Sorry I look so angry... 21 weeks 2 days

cramps, pains and aches, oh my!

Well here I am, just 2 days shy of 22 weeks and I think I am falling apart. This pregnancy thing is not what it is cracked up to be, lol. Between the first 17 weeks of naseua and now this, I am wondering why people do this more than once.

I have got severe round ligament pain, so bad that I can barely get out of bed in the morning. It pulls and hurts. My back is starting to ache and I have carpel tunnel syndrome causing my hands to tingle. But I am not complaining, :). And looking back when it is all done I am sure I will remember the 2 weeks I felt great.

I also can't help but think about angel baby today. Maybe because I will get to see the new baby on the screen today. My heart breaks though that I never got to see the first one alive on the screen. This just goes to show you you never forget.

I will check back later with some pics of my hopefully healthy baby and what's between his/her legs.

Getting closer to the ultrasound!

I can't believe that in just a few short days, we will know who is inside me (and by the way - beatingt he crap out of me at night.) It is going to be so exciting to see the little guy/girl. Right now me and my brother in law are the only ones that think boy. Everyone else including Matt thinks girl. I don't see how when his family is dominated by boys.

Matt felt his first kick on Saturday. I had been feeling them sporadically for 2 weeks but it wasn't until Friday I had noticed that if I put pressure from the outside I could feel it that way. So while watching a movie on Saturday I realized baby was kicking and told Matt. He proceeded to put his hand on my belly, and we waited. Nothing. So I grabbed some pop and that worked. He felt it! (I had to point it out because it was so light but he felt it none the less). Now he wants me to constantly drink pop so he can feel it all the time. I think its great.

So I realize I have not posted a belly pic in a while, sorry! I will soon, I promise. Since Matt is home now it can include my face!

Damn you DQ!

I thought I was doing well, I thought my weight gain was under control. That is until I gained 6 pounds since my last appointment 3 weeks ago! I am now up to 12 pounds and the majority went to my butt.

I do have a very round pooch so at least I can pretend that is where the weight is going. I think the hardest part about being pregnant in the summer is not the heat but the temptations of ice cream, burgers, iced tea, etc.

I am also happy to report that last saturday at exactly 19 weeks I felt a kick. I had my hand on my tummy while talking to Matt on the phone and I felt it inside and out. Since then I have felt a couple more though not consistent. I guess that is to come.

Matt is home now for a while, looks like he will be home for the ultrasound in exactly 2 weeks. I am getting so excited. We have narrowed down both the girl and boy names to 3 each.

For boys, it is Merrik Milton, Miccah Milton or Maddox Milton (we have to take the grandfather's name and it has to have the initials mmm).

For girls, it is Nevaeh Lacey, Madison Nevaeh, or Savannah Lacey. I really wanted Savannah Nevaeh but that would give her the initials SNM (get it? S and M???) I am not that cruel.

Matt was really gung ho for Nevaeh and I was a little hesitant. He couldn't figure it out. I fought for that name for many years and threatened lives if they used it. Now he likes it and I am weary. Then I explained to him that I don't believe that that name belongs with this child - and I broke. He felt terrible and he didn't know either, but I honestly feel like our angel in heaven is a little girl and her name is Nevaeh. That is why I want it as a middle name, to remember her.

3 weeks and counting

I have my ultrasound in three weeks exactly - I can't wait. I almost think I need to know the sex to make this feel real. Sometimes I still have to pinch myself, I don't believe I am pregnant.

Matt will be home on Tuesday. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks, he will be shocked to see the progress on my belly. He has been anxious to listen to the doppler as well.

Not that I am complaining, but I am getting tired of peeing myself when I sneeze. And no underwear fit right now either! My regular ones are tighter and fitting under my belly which makes the outline in my pants look weird. But the maternity ones are still so huge. I wonder if I can get away with commando...

I bought a maternity bathing suit because my best friend has a pool and I am sure I will be frequenting it this summer. As well, Matt and I are heading off to Seattle for a week in July and our hotel has a pool. I tried on like 6 different styles and cried after each one. I never had the picture perfect body for a swim suit but I always managed to find something that suited (lol no pun intended) my body. But now, there are so many pockets of fat everywhere, everythingl ooked unnatural. I finally settled on a two piece that has the dress top (comes to crotch level). It is slightly big now but come summer I know I will fill it up nicely.

Time to lay off the M&Ms

Well at one day shy of 18 weeks, I have a very noticable baby bump and the fattiness settling in everywhere. I have currently gained 7 pounds (when taken in the morning, when taken in the evening it is more like 10 so I like the morning better :)) so things are moving along.

I felt little bubbles here and there but I am not classifying that as movement yet. I still have time. Heartbeat is still a steady 154 to 158 when taken in the evening.

The morning sickess is finally starting to let off as you can tell by the weight gain.

16 week 1 day picture

My mother'd Day flowers sent from Matt who is currently out of town working.
My 16 week, 1 day picture. It was taken in the afternoon so my belly is worse than morning.

First OB appointment

Well I am back from my first OB appointment for pregnancy ever. The ironic part of the day is I realized that the doc I saw for infertility, my home study worker for the adoption and my OB are all in the same building. Every transition I have had on this journey has happened in that building.

He said there was no point in trying to get an earlier u/s, they are quite backed up these days and he was happy with the June 12th one. He is a very thorough doc and I feel very comfortable with him. He is watching my thyroid closely.

There was some confusion with my edd. Based on ovulation, edd would be Oct 18. Based on the early u/s, it would be Oct 20. I accidentally told my gp my last period was Jan 17 (meant to say Jan 12) so my OB was going to give me an edd of Oct 23 because u/s can be +/- 3 days. I finally expalined to him I was mistaken and it was Jan 12. So he gave me an edd of Oct 20. But I don't want to change my ticker! I live changing weeks on Saturday... oh well very minor.

I also asked him about my headaches and he said there was no reason to suffer, I am perfectly safe to take advil up until 33 weeks but no more. He even said I can take 2 pills every 3 to 4 hours as needed. I won't take that much but it is good to know I can take 1 if it gets really bad.

He is sending me for the bloodtest that tests for downs and spina bifida. The reason he likes to send women for it is so when the u/s comes, if there is an abormality they can look at the test and determine if more testing is necessary or not. It makes me nervous because what if... but I know we will have this baby no matter what and it is no harm to either of us, but it will help prevent questions later.

And then he checked for the heartbeat. Just like at home, a steady 158. He had a little trouble at first, I wanted to grab the wand and guide it to where it should me, lol. But it did come through nice and loud. I am measuring 15 weeks and I have gained 6 pounds so he said it will pick up once my appeitie is back to normal.

Overall, I am pleased. I wish I could have gotten an earlier u/s so I can see pink or blue and so Matt can be there (he will be out of town on June 12) but I have a healthy pregnancy so I am not complaining.

15 weeks - wow

I hit the big 1-5 this weekend. And with it came morning sickness round two. I throw up after the weirdest things and my stomach has shrunk again.

I officially have gained 4 lbs. I am sure it will grow alot as I am able to eat more.

Matt started noticing my baby belly too, and he sure does love to hear the heartbeat on the doppler.

I was away on work last week and I can say now that will be my last work trip for a while. I was supposed to go away this June but after non-stop puking after flying and getting no sleep which resulted in a splitting headache - I will leave it to the non-pregnant people from now on.

On a lighter note

Today marks the one year anniversary that my baby was taken from my body. It has been a gut wrenching, tear jerking couple of days but thankfully I get to get away today. I am heading off for work and staying in a 5 star hotel. I have a massage booked for tonight and I am going to get room service and pamper myself while watching Big Brother.

But the hormones! Can I actually survive the next 25 weeks? Better question would probably be will Matt survive the next 25 weeks? Yesterday when I got home I was in one of those moods. I was ready to fight with anyone who looked at me wrong. Matt had been home the majority of the day and he had accomplished the couple things I asked. But did I acknowledge that? No. However I did make a point out of the dishes still being in the sink and supper was not made. He had a valid reason for the supper, most stuff makes me sick but I assumed he could read my mind and knew I wanted popcorn. Instead I stomped upstairs.

So like a good little boy he went and did the dishes and made supper. Unfortunetly he made beef, which does make me sick. Even the smell of it cooking makes me sick. So when he delivered it upstairs and I got a whiff I promptly threw up. And then I cried.

I felt so bad making him go through all that and I couldn't even appreciate it. So I waited till the smell dissapated and went downstairs and made myself popcorn.

This morning he awoke before me and by the time I heard my alarm, he was making noises from the kitchen. He came upstairs where I was getting ready and delivered breakfast and coffee. Just thinking of it right now brings tears to my eyes. I don't mean to be angry, its the hormones! (I wonder how long I can use that excuse?)

April 22, 2008 - A tribute to my Angel in Heaven

Lately all I can talk about is the baby in my belly or the baby in Ethiopia. But always on my mind is the baby that made me a mommy. Last year at this time I was entering the hospital to have an emergency D&C. I had started spotting on April 14, 2007. I got an emergency u/s on Thursday, April 19. That is when I learned my baby went to heaven.

It seems like a blue, like it never really happened. But it did and it changed me forever. I no longer have the innocence of pregnancy. I know the reality. But I feel so blessed for having known her even if for only a short while. And I know she still looks down from heaven and watches over me when I need her the most. Some say she wasn't ready to be born so she went back to get ready. And now that I am pregnant this is her trying it again. I am not sure if I believe that or not. I think when I meet this baby I will just know.

Over the past year I have heard many songs that make me think of her. One is Missing an Angel by Jonny Reid. The only difference is after mending her wing she did fly back. And I am the one missing her.

Ain’t it funny how life

Is measured in time

Ain’t it funny how faith

Never leaves it too late

I heard a heavenly song

And I started singing along

Still I cant believe

That you sent her here to me

(Chorus)

She fell from the sky

Right into my life

Through a hole in the cloud

All my friends are looking now

I found her crying in the rain

Well I helped mend her wing

When she never flew back

Lord I new for a fact

That you were missing an angel

(Verse 2)

Well is she here to save us all

Or just to catch me when I fall

Is she part of your plan?

To make me a better man

Every night I say a prayer

That in the morning she’ll be there

And if I die before I wakeI’ll chalk it up to give or take

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Precious Little Baby,

Your face I've never seen.

Your skin I've never touched before,

Nor held you close to me.

You lived inside my body,

But only for a while;

Till Jesus softly whispered,"Come home my little child."

You must have been a special child;

If God needed you up there.

Because heaven is a better home,

It's beauty can't compare.

So, till I get to heaven,

And see your shining face;

Jesus will take care of you,

And love you in my place.

Yes, Jesus loves His little lambs,

They sit around His throne;

So sit on Jesus' lap dear child-

-Till Mommy gets called home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But as if in almost a strange fate, the song that has gotten me through the most is playing on the radio right now, so I will leave you with it and a heavy heart.

Seether - Rise Above This lyrics

Take the light, undarken everything around me

Call the clowns and listen closely, i'm lost without you

Call your name every day when i feel so helpless

I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken

For all we know, this void will grow and

Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open

Feels so right, but i'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless

I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless

I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me (i'll mend myself before it gets me)

I'll mend myself before it gets me (i'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless

I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless

I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Forty eight ways to say that i'm feelin' helpless

Fallin' down, fallin down', but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Belly pics

Welcome to the 2nd Trimester

Wow, I never thought I would make it here, ever. It is hard to believe that pending some natural disaster, I may really have a baby. I am told that the risk of miscarriage now drops dramatically but to tell you the truth, I will still worry every day. It is hard not to.

You may not see many posts about the adoption for a while. The reason is due to needing to be back to work for at least 20 weeks after maternity leave to receive paternity leave, we decided to hold off on the adoption for 4 months to allow for that time in between. It is cool too because now we will be heading to Africa in the winter instead of the summer.

As for the pregnancy, I have new life. I actually have energy! I walked a couple miles yesterday and did my pregnancy workout tapes on Saturday. My goal is to tone MWF, cardio TTSS and each week I can take one day off. I only do 20 minute tapes so I am not overworking. You may have differed with me after seeing me crawling around yesterday so sore from toning on Saturday. I am still hurting.

Food is tasting better now too. I still have lots of aversions and I don't crave the stuff I usually do but I have noticed a change (and on the scale too.)

My ultrasound is booked, it is not till 21.5 weeks so I am hoping they can get me in earlier once I see my OB. Until then I will continue to use my doppler (I still have some trouble, last night I couldn't find it but I am trying to stay calm) and hope for the best.

If you were reading previously you will see a change in names. Yes I changed them to protect annonimity. My husband's name is now Matthew. :)

I bought a doppler. I was one of those women who sat back and said I can't believe how people obsess and now I went ahead and bought one. I picked up the mail yeaterday morning and there is was. I was estatic. So when I got to work I closed my door, sat on the floor behind my desk and preceeded to fold down the elastic (yup, elastic) on my pants. I grabbed the gel and it came out so fast fast I got it all over my black pants and shirt. Do you know it dried like? I bet you do!

I finally got some on my belly. Then I tried to hold the base in one hand, the probe in the other along with the elastic to my pants so it didn't fold up and get covered in gel again and I had my shirt in my teeth. I bet I was a site. I finally got the probe to touch my belly and I successfully.... found my own heartbeat. I gave up. It was too awkward and I was already trying to make excuses to coworkers why I was groping my boobs in public.

So I managed to wait till I got home where I could lie down and do it properly. At first I heard this swoosh noise (you know, the one you hear on TV when they do an ultrasound on a woman supposedly like 6 weeks pregnant yet on the screen the baby is full sized and looking like it is ready to come out) but after feeling my pulse I realized that was me. I kept feeling around and was ready to give up when I heard this cloppit clop noise coming in AT THE SAME TIME as my swoosh. I found the heart beat!!! It was beautiful.

So I put the doppler away and had a fantastic evening knowing my baby was alive and safe. Yea right. I did put it away however I pulled it back every hour to test again.

When I first started trying to find it, I must have been pushing really hard because the areas I was searching are feeling really bruised today. I can barely touch them. I will have to go gentler tonight when I search for it. :)

I have my doc appoinment tomorrow for the internal. He is going to try the doppler. I am almost wishing he has trouble finding it so he sends me for an u/s. But then again my OB's office should be calling with an appointment soon and I can just beg them.

As I am nearing the end of my first trimester, the anxiety sets in. Is the baby in my tummy alive or did it go to heaven like the last one? Is something going to happen later on and devastate us to know end? Can I handle another miscarriage if it happens, or better yet, can Matthew? Did I do something to hurt the baby? Are these symptoms good news or bad news?

I envy those people who have had flawless pregnancies and never have these worries go through their heads. Like my sister in law (yes the same one who accused me of cheating) who is on her second perfect pregnancy. She told me I had to get over it. Nice.

I have been having these cramps; they started about 4 days ago and were just dull aches. They have now migrated to mostly my right side (though they do come up in other places) and are a constant dull pain with a bit of sharpness here and there. I am beyond worried right now. I just wish my Doppler would get here sooner and I wish that my appointment for the end of the week would come sooner.

I do have awesome news. I have a friend whom I have never met who struggled with infertility as well. She finally got her BFP this weekend. I am so happy for her I can’t even put it into words. I remember that feeling of “Oh two lines really CAN show up!” I just want to give a huge shout out to her and wish her the happiest and healthiest nine months ever.

The adoption questions

April 2, 2008
It is so funny, I lay in bed and think of all the things I need to write about but when I sit at a computer – my mind goes blank. :)
I know one thing people always want to know about adoption is the process and how much it will cost. Taken from our agency’s website http://www.imagineadoption.ca, here is the process.

1. Call or email your request for a Imagine Adoption information package.
2. Complete the Application Form included within our information package or Download the form online.
3. A Imagine Adoption representative will contact you to review your Application in more detail.
4. A Home Study is conducted by an Approved Adoption Practitioner The Home Study process is a series of interviews (4 - 5 sessions) with the approved Adoption Practitioner. The Home Study Report, together with all Assessments, Reference Letters, Police Checks, Employment Letters, Medical Reports, etc. are forwarded to the Ministry of Children and Youth Services for approval.
5. Once approval is granted by the Ministry of Children and Youth Services, your file is sent off to your country of choice where a child will be matched with your family.
6. During this time you apply to Immigration Canada to sponsor an unnamed child.
7. Once a child has been selected, you will receive a Proposal on the child.
8. When you accept the proposed child the legal work begins.
9. You will then prepare to travel to meet and bond with your new child, at which time the adoption is finalized in the foreign country.During your time in the foreign country, we recommend that you learn about the child's culture and country, so that as they grow you are able to teach them about their heritage.
10. Once you return home, Imagine Adoption will assist you and your family in connecting with a local support group of families similar to yours who have experienced the joy of international adoption.
NOTE: The process from Application to Finalization could take approximately 9 - 18 months. Although, like all international adoption programs, time lines can vary. There can be unexplained delays which will be out of our control.However, we can assure you that the wait will be worthwhile.

As for costs, it varies depending on where you are but for us costs incurred already:
$950 – homestudy
$100 – security clearances

Costs to come:
$6000 – Agency fee
$ 6000 (US) – Ethiopian Fee
$15000 – travel costs (approx)

This is the ultrasound from 6 weeks 3 days.

And now you are caught up to March 28, 2008

I struggled for a long time after to deal with everything. I distanced myself from anything baby related including birthdays. I mourned for my baby and I mourned for me. We booked a trip with our close friends for when I would have been due and something else to look forward to.

And then came the big blow. My sister in law, the one who told me she would never get pregnant while my wounds were still so fresh, announced her second pregnancy and basically told me she didn’t want to be pregnant in the summer and be uncomfortable and I should suck it up.

I started seeing a councilor appointed by my work because life was becoming unbearable. And that is where our lives took a crazy turn. It turns out that Val was also an adoption worker. We ended up spending the hour talking about adoption and she got me so excited about Ethiopia and the possibility of adopting. I was convinced, but I still had to talk to Matthew.

I went home with some info and surprisingly enough he jumped on board right away. I knew he would but I never anticipated how excited he got. We started doing the preliminary work when we found out my job was in jeopardy and Matthew was offered a new one. We put the adoption on hold while he started his new one and I waited out the fate of mine.

When no more news was given on mine we decided with Matthew’s income even if I was to lose my job we would still be fine so we went ahead. On January 26th, 2008 we had our first appointment with Val and started the home study. We filled out our surveys, did criminal record checks, got physicals and HIV tests done, and a bunch of other stuff. We were so preoccupied with that along with Matthew working in Alberta that we didn’t even think about ovulation time. It just happen to fall right when his first three weeks were over and he was at home on a week off.

You could have knocked me over with a feather on February 13, 2008. I had temped the last couple days and it was high but I thought maybe o was off. Then at noon I got this weird feeling and I went and grabbed a couple tests. I felt like an idiot and kept telling myself that they would be negative, just like the 1000 before. It was instantly positive. The pee never even reached the control line and the test line was already positive.

I phoned Matt who was back in Fort Mac and he couldn’t believe it either. I told my sis because I needed some advice but that was it. We were waiting to tell others.

A week and a half later I went to the doc and he got me in for an ultrasound when I was 6 weeks 3 days. The growth measured 6 weeks 1 day and sac size was 5 weeks 6 days but the tech said things can be off and that was all looking normal. A nice strong heartbeat came through at 125 BPM.

We then told siblings. Well, Matt spilled the beans to Dawn, Max knew already because he had to change the litter box, Dana guessed and I emailed Ann. And then shit hit the fan.

The next day Ann emailed back basically telling me that according to an online calendar if I was 6 weeks 3 days at the day of the ultrasound then conception occurred when Matt was away. I am not sure what calendar she was using but after several heated emails, I phoned Max and told him exactly what I thought of his wife. I even sent her my chart and she still didn’t believe me. Makes you wonder what else she thinks of me. It was a rough couple days and I have to admit, she has a new nickname now but I am a bigger person than her and I have put this behind me.

Family was up that same weekend to help move Dawn into her new condo and emotions got the better of me. It didn’t help that morning sickness was starting to set in and I was lacking sleep but now I had to deal with family.

As the days and weeks went on, I got sicker and sicker and lost a few pounds. I wasn’t able to eat much and never had any energy so I took quite a few afternoons off from work.

Now coming up to 11 weeks, I am starting to feel better. I still have my times when I am sick to my stomach and have no energy but overall I am at least functioning now.

Now that we have a background, we can start moving ahead. I will try for weekly entries; at the beginning I will try to add weight and symptoms.

Background Continued

I will never forget that day. It was April 14th, one day shy of 9 weeks and I was out for my usual Saturday walk. I usually walked a couple miles outside to local stores to get some exercise. I was in Home Depot and had to pee so I went to the bathroom and as an avid TTC’er, I checked internally for cervical mucous (I don’t know why) and there were scants of brown blood. I freaked and ran the mile home where Matthew was cleaning the garage and I started crying. He tried calming me and said some is normal (how he knew I will never know) so I went for a shower. Before and after my shower I checked and there was now a bit more with some red blood. I went downstairs and told him we were going to the ER.

While at the ER I lied a teeny bit to get in faster. They ran a few tests but since ultrasound was backed up and the HCG was at 20,000, they sent me home and told me my cervix was closed and I was fine. Everyone assured me it was normal. I kept bleeding for the next several days, never enough to need a pad, sometimes just a liner but mostly it was internal. I went to a walk in doctor that Tuesday and got an ultrasound appointment for that Thursday. I had to know hat was going on.

I took a couple hours off from work and met Matt there. I was busting because of the water and was reasonably calm. I thought there is no way God would take this baby away from us. She tried the abdominal and couldn’t see anything. I should have known what was happening.

After emptying my bladder she did a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I saw the image and the first thing I said was it was the right shape. The tech paused, had a funny look on her face and said yea, but it is measuring small. She looked at a few other things and asked if my dates were right. I knew for a fact they were because if I was only 5 weeks 6 days like I was measuring, I would have gotten pregnant started my cycle the day I got my positive test. I started to cry. Matt was confused and I looked at him and said its over. The tech grabbed me Kleenex and told Matt that if he didn’t hug me she would. He grabbed me and held on while I cried.

I left that ultrasound place without my first picture and with such an empty feeling. I cannot describe to you the pain I felt. The emptiness hurt. Making those calls to friends and family was so difficult but it had to be done. I phoned work and took the next day off. My parents came in to comfort me and my brother in law made a lasagna. My best friend sent me my favorite chocolates with a note telling me to hold those till she could get to me. It was great to have a support system.

I had decided to let nature take its course but I ended up having a D&C on Sunday (April 22) morning at 12 a.m. I just freaked out and needed the baby out of me. Baby m stayed with me for 4 weeks after its heart stopped beating and I needed to heal emotionally.

I Never Had a Chance
I never had a chance to see your little heart beat,
Something happened early on to make you give up in defeat.
I never had a chance to feel you little feet kick,
Your legs were barely forming when God chose you to pick.
I never had a chance to see you alive on the screen,
No movement, no heartbeat, no matter how much I did plead.
I never had a chance to experience all that I should,
We only had a short time together though I loved every moment I could.
I never had a chance to hold you tight at night,
To kiss you, to hug you, to make you feel all right.
We waited three long years for that feeling that made us dance,
I tried so hard to meet you but I never had the chance.

Background

Where to begin.

I guess a bit of a background is needed to set the stage. My husband Matthew and I were married on July 6, 2002. We knew we wanted kids, but we also wanted a house and I needed to finish school. In 2004 we purchased our home and I started a great job with the government. After a scare in April, we realized it wouldn’t be a scare at all. I stopped birth control and in August we officially started trying. I was ready for that baby in nine months. Little did I know…

We ran into adversity right away after finding out our sister in law (Ann) was pregnant by accident after just getting married. Though happy for them, I was devastated for me. My body was not cooperating as it should and now I had to watch someone else be pregnant. I struggled to deal and it got worse when my sister (Dawn) announced her pregnancy. It was also an oops and she had never planned on having kids. Once again I was happy for them but struggling to hang on for myself. My cycles were getting longer and longer and it seemed like the effort was futile.

Babies were born and many more pregnancies were announced and I learned to deal. After passing the one year mark, I sought medical intervention. Both Matt and I underwent tests and we both checked out fine. I was given a script for Clomid in December 05. The Clomid worked in a sense that it seemed to kick start my body into ovulating on its own but I was still not pregnant. We unhappily celebrated the 2 year mark of trying and then started looking into adoption. We gave it our all but nothing was working.

A couple days before Valentine’s day in 07 I took Matt out for supper and told him I was done. I could not do the hormones anymore, the testing, the constant struggle. I needed time. We decided to take a year off and I got more information about adoption. I left for Edmonton to go see my best friend in early March. I drove by myself and had plenty of time to laugh and cry and accept the situation. I had a blast with my friend and I came back refreshed. I was nearing the end of my cycle so I temped a couple times to know when to expect my period when my temp kept going up. I grabbed a test on 18dpo and it immediately came up positive! I woke up Matt and he asked if I was sure. Yes I was. I got a digital to confirm. We were beyond ecstatic, we were elated.

We told family after my HCG was confirmed rising at 6 weeks. We told friends shortly after. I walked on air. I didn’t have any morning sickness and I couldn’t wait for our bundle of joy to arrive in November.