Background Continued

I will never forget that day. It was April 14th, one day shy of 9 weeks and I was out for my usual Saturday walk. I usually walked a couple miles outside to local stores to get some exercise. I was in Home Depot and had to pee so I went to the bathroom and as an avid TTC’er, I checked internally for cervical mucous (I don’t know why) and there were scants of brown blood. I freaked and ran the mile home where Matthew was cleaning the garage and I started crying. He tried calming me and said some is normal (how he knew I will never know) so I went for a shower. Before and after my shower I checked and there was now a bit more with some red blood. I went downstairs and told him we were going to the ER.

While at the ER I lied a teeny bit to get in faster. They ran a few tests but since ultrasound was backed up and the HCG was at 20,000, they sent me home and told me my cervix was closed and I was fine. Everyone assured me it was normal. I kept bleeding for the next several days, never enough to need a pad, sometimes just a liner but mostly it was internal. I went to a walk in doctor that Tuesday and got an ultrasound appointment for that Thursday. I had to know hat was going on.

I took a couple hours off from work and met Matt there. I was busting because of the water and was reasonably calm. I thought there is no way God would take this baby away from us. She tried the abdominal and couldn’t see anything. I should have known what was happening.

After emptying my bladder she did a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I saw the image and the first thing I said was it was the right shape. The tech paused, had a funny look on her face and said yea, but it is measuring small. She looked at a few other things and asked if my dates were right. I knew for a fact they were because if I was only 5 weeks 6 days like I was measuring, I would have gotten pregnant started my cycle the day I got my positive test. I started to cry. Matt was confused and I looked at him and said its over. The tech grabbed me Kleenex and told Matt that if he didn’t hug me she would. He grabbed me and held on while I cried.

I left that ultrasound place without my first picture and with such an empty feeling. I cannot describe to you the pain I felt. The emptiness hurt. Making those calls to friends and family was so difficult but it had to be done. I phoned work and took the next day off. My parents came in to comfort me and my brother in law made a lasagna. My best friend sent me my favorite chocolates with a note telling me to hold those till she could get to me. It was great to have a support system.

I had decided to let nature take its course but I ended up having a D&C on Sunday (April 22) morning at 12 a.m. I just freaked out and needed the baby out of me. Baby m stayed with me for 4 weeks after its heart stopped beating and I needed to heal emotionally.

I Never Had a Chance
I never had a chance to see your little heart beat,
Something happened early on to make you give up in defeat.
I never had a chance to feel you little feet kick,
Your legs were barely forming when God chose you to pick.
I never had a chance to see you alive on the screen,
No movement, no heartbeat, no matter how much I did plead.
I never had a chance to experience all that I should,
We only had a short time together though I loved every moment I could.
I never had a chance to hold you tight at night,
To kiss you, to hug you, to make you feel all right.
We waited three long years for that feeling that made us dance,
I tried so hard to meet you but I never had the chance.