15 weeks - wow

I hit the big 1-5 this weekend. And with it came morning sickness round two. I throw up after the weirdest things and my stomach has shrunk again.

I officially have gained 4 lbs. I am sure it will grow alot as I am able to eat more.

Matt started noticing my baby belly too, and he sure does love to hear the heartbeat on the doppler.

I was away on work last week and I can say now that will be my last work trip for a while. I was supposed to go away this June but after non-stop puking after flying and getting no sleep which resulted in a splitting headache - I will leave it to the non-pregnant people from now on.

On a lighter note

Today marks the one year anniversary that my baby was taken from my body. It has been a gut wrenching, tear jerking couple of days but thankfully I get to get away today. I am heading off for work and staying in a 5 star hotel. I have a massage booked for tonight and I am going to get room service and pamper myself while watching Big Brother.

But the hormones! Can I actually survive the next 25 weeks? Better question would probably be will Matt survive the next 25 weeks? Yesterday when I got home I was in one of those moods. I was ready to fight with anyone who looked at me wrong. Matt had been home the majority of the day and he had accomplished the couple things I asked. But did I acknowledge that? No. However I did make a point out of the dishes still being in the sink and supper was not made. He had a valid reason for the supper, most stuff makes me sick but I assumed he could read my mind and knew I wanted popcorn. Instead I stomped upstairs.

So like a good little boy he went and did the dishes and made supper. Unfortunetly he made beef, which does make me sick. Even the smell of it cooking makes me sick. So when he delivered it upstairs and I got a whiff I promptly threw up. And then I cried.

I felt so bad making him go through all that and I couldn't even appreciate it. So I waited till the smell dissapated and went downstairs and made myself popcorn.

This morning he awoke before me and by the time I heard my alarm, he was making noises from the kitchen. He came upstairs where I was getting ready and delivered breakfast and coffee. Just thinking of it right now brings tears to my eyes. I don't mean to be angry, its the hormones! (I wonder how long I can use that excuse?)

April 22, 2008 - A tribute to my Angel in Heaven

Lately all I can talk about is the baby in my belly or the baby in Ethiopia. But always on my mind is the baby that made me a mommy. Last year at this time I was entering the hospital to have an emergency D&C. I had started spotting on April 14, 2007. I got an emergency u/s on Thursday, April 19. That is when I learned my baby went to heaven.

It seems like a blue, like it never really happened. But it did and it changed me forever. I no longer have the innocence of pregnancy. I know the reality. But I feel so blessed for having known her even if for only a short while. And I know she still looks down from heaven and watches over me when I need her the most. Some say she wasn't ready to be born so she went back to get ready. And now that I am pregnant this is her trying it again. I am not sure if I believe that or not. I think when I meet this baby I will just know.

Over the past year I have heard many songs that make me think of her. One is Missing an Angel by Jonny Reid. The only difference is after mending her wing she did fly back. And I am the one missing her.

Ain’t it funny how life

Is measured in time

Ain’t it funny how faith

Never leaves it too late

I heard a heavenly song

And I started singing along

Still I cant believe

That you sent her here to me

(Chorus)

She fell from the sky

Right into my life

Through a hole in the cloud

All my friends are looking now

I found her crying in the rain

Well I helped mend her wing

When she never flew back

Lord I new for a fact

That you were missing an angel

(Verse 2)

Well is she here to save us all

Or just to catch me when I fall

Is she part of your plan?

To make me a better man

Every night I say a prayer

That in the morning she’ll be there

And if I die before I wakeI’ll chalk it up to give or take

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Precious Little Baby,

Your face I've never seen.

Your skin I've never touched before,

Nor held you close to me.

You lived inside my body,

But only for a while;

Till Jesus softly whispered,"Come home my little child."

You must have been a special child;

If God needed you up there.

Because heaven is a better home,

It's beauty can't compare.

So, till I get to heaven,

And see your shining face;

Jesus will take care of you,

And love you in my place.

Yes, Jesus loves His little lambs,

They sit around His throne;

So sit on Jesus' lap dear child-

-Till Mommy gets called home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But as if in almost a strange fate, the song that has gotten me through the most is playing on the radio right now, so I will leave you with it and a heavy heart.

Seether - Rise Above This lyrics

Take the light, undarken everything around me

Call the clowns and listen closely, i'm lost without you

Call your name every day when i feel so helpless

I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken

For all we know, this void will grow and

Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open

Feels so right, but i'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless

I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless

I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me (i'll mend myself before it gets me)

I'll mend myself before it gets me (i'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless

I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless

I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Forty eight ways to say that i'm feelin' helpless

Fallin' down, fallin down', but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Belly pics

Welcome to the 2nd Trimester

Wow, I never thought I would make it here, ever. It is hard to believe that pending some natural disaster, I may really have a baby. I am told that the risk of miscarriage now drops dramatically but to tell you the truth, I will still worry every day. It is hard not to.

You may not see many posts about the adoption for a while. The reason is due to needing to be back to work for at least 20 weeks after maternity leave to receive paternity leave, we decided to hold off on the adoption for 4 months to allow for that time in between. It is cool too because now we will be heading to Africa in the winter instead of the summer.

As for the pregnancy, I have new life. I actually have energy! I walked a couple miles yesterday and did my pregnancy workout tapes on Saturday. My goal is to tone MWF, cardio TTSS and each week I can take one day off. I only do 20 minute tapes so I am not overworking. You may have differed with me after seeing me crawling around yesterday so sore from toning on Saturday. I am still hurting.

Food is tasting better now too. I still have lots of aversions and I don't crave the stuff I usually do but I have noticed a change (and on the scale too.)

My ultrasound is booked, it is not till 21.5 weeks so I am hoping they can get me in earlier once I see my OB. Until then I will continue to use my doppler (I still have some trouble, last night I couldn't find it but I am trying to stay calm) and hope for the best.

If you were reading previously you will see a change in names. Yes I changed them to protect annonimity. My husband's name is now Matthew. :)

I bought a doppler. I was one of those women who sat back and said I can't believe how people obsess and now I went ahead and bought one. I picked up the mail yeaterday morning and there is was. I was estatic. So when I got to work I closed my door, sat on the floor behind my desk and preceeded to fold down the elastic (yup, elastic) on my pants. I grabbed the gel and it came out so fast fast I got it all over my black pants and shirt. Do you know it dried like? I bet you do!

I finally got some on my belly. Then I tried to hold the base in one hand, the probe in the other along with the elastic to my pants so it didn't fold up and get covered in gel again and I had my shirt in my teeth. I bet I was a site. I finally got the probe to touch my belly and I successfully.... found my own heartbeat. I gave up. It was too awkward and I was already trying to make excuses to coworkers why I was groping my boobs in public.

So I managed to wait till I got home where I could lie down and do it properly. At first I heard this swoosh noise (you know, the one you hear on TV when they do an ultrasound on a woman supposedly like 6 weeks pregnant yet on the screen the baby is full sized and looking like it is ready to come out) but after feeling my pulse I realized that was me. I kept feeling around and was ready to give up when I heard this cloppit clop noise coming in AT THE SAME TIME as my swoosh. I found the heart beat!!! It was beautiful.

So I put the doppler away and had a fantastic evening knowing my baby was alive and safe. Yea right. I did put it away however I pulled it back every hour to test again.

When I first started trying to find it, I must have been pushing really hard because the areas I was searching are feeling really bruised today. I can barely touch them. I will have to go gentler tonight when I search for it. :)

I have my doc appoinment tomorrow for the internal. He is going to try the doppler. I am almost wishing he has trouble finding it so he sends me for an u/s. But then again my OB's office should be calling with an appointment soon and I can just beg them.

As I am nearing the end of my first trimester, the anxiety sets in. Is the baby in my tummy alive or did it go to heaven like the last one? Is something going to happen later on and devastate us to know end? Can I handle another miscarriage if it happens, or better yet, can Matthew? Did I do something to hurt the baby? Are these symptoms good news or bad news?

I envy those people who have had flawless pregnancies and never have these worries go through their heads. Like my sister in law (yes the same one who accused me of cheating) who is on her second perfect pregnancy. She told me I had to get over it. Nice.

I have been having these cramps; they started about 4 days ago and were just dull aches. They have now migrated to mostly my right side (though they do come up in other places) and are a constant dull pain with a bit of sharpness here and there. I am beyond worried right now. I just wish my Doppler would get here sooner and I wish that my appointment for the end of the week would come sooner.

I do have awesome news. I have a friend whom I have never met who struggled with infertility as well. She finally got her BFP this weekend. I am so happy for her I can’t even put it into words. I remember that feeling of “Oh two lines really CAN show up!” I just want to give a huge shout out to her and wish her the happiest and healthiest nine months ever.

The adoption questions

April 2, 2008
It is so funny, I lay in bed and think of all the things I need to write about but when I sit at a computer – my mind goes blank. :)
I know one thing people always want to know about adoption is the process and how much it will cost. Taken from our agency’s website http://www.imagineadoption.ca, here is the process.

1. Call or email your request for a Imagine Adoption information package.
2. Complete the Application Form included within our information package or Download the form online.
3. A Imagine Adoption representative will contact you to review your Application in more detail.
4. A Home Study is conducted by an Approved Adoption Practitioner The Home Study process is a series of interviews (4 - 5 sessions) with the approved Adoption Practitioner. The Home Study Report, together with all Assessments, Reference Letters, Police Checks, Employment Letters, Medical Reports, etc. are forwarded to the Ministry of Children and Youth Services for approval.
5. Once approval is granted by the Ministry of Children and Youth Services, your file is sent off to your country of choice where a child will be matched with your family.
6. During this time you apply to Immigration Canada to sponsor an unnamed child.
7. Once a child has been selected, you will receive a Proposal on the child.
8. When you accept the proposed child the legal work begins.
9. You will then prepare to travel to meet and bond with your new child, at which time the adoption is finalized in the foreign country.During your time in the foreign country, we recommend that you learn about the child's culture and country, so that as they grow you are able to teach them about their heritage.
10. Once you return home, Imagine Adoption will assist you and your family in connecting with a local support group of families similar to yours who have experienced the joy of international adoption.
NOTE: The process from Application to Finalization could take approximately 9 - 18 months. Although, like all international adoption programs, time lines can vary. There can be unexplained delays which will be out of our control.However, we can assure you that the wait will be worthwhile.

As for costs, it varies depending on where you are but for us costs incurred already:
$950 – homestudy
$100 – security clearances

Costs to come:
$6000 – Agency fee
$ 6000 (US) – Ethiopian Fee
$15000 – travel costs (approx)