My last day of work! YIPPEE

Well I have made it, I didn't think I would but I did. It has been a long road, the sleepless nights, the backaches, the cramps, the feeling of I just don't want to be here. But as I sit here I know I will miss it. I will miss the travelling part of job, it was fun to get out and see the country. I will miss the witty banter of our all female branch, we always have a blast. I will miss the social gatherings where booze ran a plenty and I will miss the people I work with. I am one of the few who can honestly say I love my job.

But I also know I am embarking on what will start out to be the most difficult part of my life, becoming a mother. I know I am in for a whirlwind of emotions, sleepless and worryful nights, periods of time where I won't know what end is up, physical and mental pain, all on top of being responsible for a life I helped create. It is scary but I think I am ready.

Total side note - what the hell was I thinking when I bought maternity clothes? I will know better next time. I did not buy any of the pocket belly pants because I thought they were totally hidious. well they are but apparently totally necessary. I only bought the wide band ones. Well now my belly is way too big and the band folds over under the belly - but none of m y shirts are long enough to cover the belly so I have a strip of flesh that shows. I am beyond caring. I wish I would have bought a belly band that gives it the look of layering but I refuse to buy anything now. I will just know better next time.

Alrighty Then

I guess I am getting bigger. I have already had several people who just saw me last week do the back up and 'woa!!!! are you ever big!' Really? I thought I was losing weight.

Yes that is right, with every passing day I am getting more and more bitter. This child is already proving to be dificult and she is not even out yet! She is constantly moving around and jabbing when and hwere she can and she is not listening. I tried reasoning with her, bartaring with her even begging her. Please come out soon! I even promised her a car and nothing. What is she going to be like as a teenager?

I am on my third last day at work and that is a really good thing for several reasons. First - no clothes fit me fully anymore. I never bought any pocket belly pants cause I think they look ugly but now I regret it. All my pants slide down the belly and all my shirts don't go down far enough so I have this wedge of skin that shows all the time. Second - I am sick of smelling like pee. I dribble all the time and maybe it is just my sensitive nose but I swear five minutes out of the shower and I can smell pee again. Third - I am a walking zombie. I don't sleep anymore and it is really affecting how I think. I have this permanent duh look on my face. I just want to be at home, catch up on all the things that need to be done and relax.

Matt is already talking about the next baby. I told him unless he grows a uterus in the next couple years that ain't happening for a while.

In the home stretch

When I used to hear about pregnant women complaining about the last couple weeks, I used to think how bad can it be really? I mean come on, surely it wasn't that tough? Well now I know and yes it is. I take it all back - the last few weeks are hell.

Not only are you constantly wondering when it is going to happen and paying attention to what comes out of 'that area' of your body, your constant aches and pains stop you from enjoying your last few kidless weeks.

Lets start the list of complaints with my back. You all know that I have battled this now for about 20 weeks. Well it has gotten worse. Whatever was paining me on the right side has now migrated all over my back. No matter how I am sitting, laying, standing, it all hurts. I used to be able to sleep licely on my side/stomach. Well now it hurts my back too much to be on my side and hurts my abdomin to be on my stomach. Not to mention if I lay flat I end up waking up to throw up because of the heartburn. So I get to sleep propped up, on my back with my head to the side (which hurts the neck but oh well). And when I say sleep I really only mean 1 hour interval naps in between pee sessions.

And she has dropped. I constantly have pressure down there to the point where it feels like someone punched me in the crotch. (Someone could have, I am too tired these days to notice). I also have a hell of a time getting out of bed or chairs. Everything hurts so much.

I have just about grown out of all my shirts and quite a few pants. My last round at Thyme Maternity was at 30 weeks but I refuse to buy anymore. And that go around was just a nice sweater for my showers and some nursing pjs.

Oh yeah, bras suck! My cup size is not going up but my ribcage is.

I am started to wonder if she is a girl. I know if she comes out a boy I will love him just as much but I won't lie, I will be dissapointed. Ever since we started trying 4.5 years ago I wanted a little girl. And now I hear of all the ultrasounds that have been wrong, I get worried. I know in the end it won't matter what sex, so long as baby arrives happy and healthy but still.

So all that plus getting winded doing anything just makes me miserable. The only thing getting me through this is knowing my beautiful baby is getting ready for her journey to come meet us. She is getting nice and healthy at my expense, but when I put it that way, I am not that miserable after all.

The Nursery

holy crap!

For the past 35 weeks I have been obsessing about the pains and tribulations of pregnancy, but I really didn't think about the end result. I know that sounds stupid, I know a baby comes out of me - but I never conteplated the actual 'raising the baby' part.

I am scared beyond my wildest nightmares about childbirth, but I think I might be more afraid about what comes after. I have been around children all my life, I have babysat newborns for weekends, I know what to do in situations, but I am scared that it will be all different.

Breast feeding will obviously be new. What if it doesn't work? I want so desperately for it to work. What if my baby has colic? I don't have a lot of patience. I love my sleep, how am I going to do feedings every couple hours? DH tries but he still needs guidence from me, what if he does something wrong? Will I know how to properly wrap her so she is not too hot or too cold? Will I drop her?

These are verging on panic and I don't like it. As much as I want her out, I don't want to go through childbirth and I dont' want to be responsible for another human being. I know we made the right choice in becoming parents, so why does it have to be so darn scary?

Pictures for you

Update

Thank you everyone for your concern. It has gotten into a tricky situation and all I can say right now is because of things beyond our control we have decided to back the adoption up and file again next year. I wish I could tell you more but all I can ask right now is that you keep the situation in your prayers and I will try and keep you updated.

I am heading for 34 weeks this weekend and couldn't feel crappier. I take that back, I am sure I could. :) My back is still giving me trouble and I am not sleeping well and the heartburn is horrible - but on the upside she is constantly making me aware of her. I will miss those little jabs (which by the way are starting to hurt as they get stronger).

I had a bit of a scare this weekend. Some spotting and some jelly like discharge made me fear the worst but my doc told me not to worry unless they come at the same time which they are not.

It could be that the heat of the summer is gone or that my weight is stabilizing but I am still holding steady at 36 pounds gained. More than I had wanted but it could be much much worse. I am trying to eat healthy but there are too many appetizing things out there!

I had a mini photo seesion with a friend so I will post some of those right away.