This is the ultrasound from 6 weeks 3 days.
Friday, March 28, 2008
And now you are caught up to March 28, 2008
I struggled for a long time after to deal with everything. I distanced myself from anything baby related including birthdays. I mourned for my baby and I mourned for me. We booked a trip with our close friends for when I would have been due and something else to look forward to.
And then came the big blow. My sister in law, the one who told me she would never get pregnant while my wounds were still so fresh, announced her second pregnancy and basically told me she didn’t want to be pregnant in the summer and be uncomfortable and I should suck it up.
I started seeing a councilor appointed by my work because life was becoming unbearable. And that is where our lives took a crazy turn. It turns out that Val was also an adoption worker. We ended up spending the hour talking about adoption and she got me so excited about Ethiopia and the possibility of adopting. I was convinced, but I still had to talk to Matthew.
I went home with some info and surprisingly enough he jumped on board right away. I knew he would but I never anticipated how excited he got. We started doing the preliminary work when we found out my job was in jeopardy and Matthew was offered a new one. We put the adoption on hold while he started his new one and I waited out the fate of mine.
When no more news was given on mine we decided with Matthew’s income even if I was to lose my job we would still be fine so we went ahead. On January 26th, 2008 we had our first appointment with Val and started the home study. We filled out our surveys, did criminal record checks, got physicals and HIV tests done, and a bunch of other stuff. We were so preoccupied with that along with Matthew working in Alberta that we didn’t even think about ovulation time. It just happen to fall right when his first three weeks were over and he was at home on a week off.
You could have knocked me over with a feather on February 13, 2008. I had temped the last couple days and it was high but I thought maybe o was off. Then at noon I got this weird feeling and I went and grabbed a couple tests. I felt like an idiot and kept telling myself that they would be negative, just like the 1000 before. It was instantly positive. The pee never even reached the control line and the test line was already positive.
I phoned Matt who was back in Fort Mac and he couldn’t believe it either. I told my sis because I needed some advice but that was it. We were waiting to tell others.
A week and a half later I went to the doc and he got me in for an ultrasound when I was 6 weeks 3 days. The growth measured 6 weeks 1 day and sac size was 5 weeks 6 days but the tech said things can be off and that was all looking normal. A nice strong heartbeat came through at 125 BPM.
We then told siblings. Well, Matt spilled the beans to Dawn, Max knew already because he had to change the litter box, Dana guessed and I emailed Ann. And then shit hit the fan.
The next day Ann emailed back basically telling me that according to an online calendar if I was 6 weeks 3 days at the day of the ultrasound then conception occurred when Matt was away. I am not sure what calendar she was using but after several heated emails, I phoned Max and told him exactly what I thought of his wife. I even sent her my chart and she still didn’t believe me. Makes you wonder what else she thinks of me. It was a rough couple days and I have to admit, she has a new nickname now but I am a bigger person than her and I have put this behind me.
Family was up that same weekend to help move Dawn into her new condo and emotions got the better of me. It didn’t help that morning sickness was starting to set in and I was lacking sleep but now I had to deal with family.
As the days and weeks went on, I got sicker and sicker and lost a few pounds. I wasn’t able to eat much and never had any energy so I took quite a few afternoons off from work.
Now coming up to 11 weeks, I am starting to feel better. I still have my times when I am sick to my stomach and have no energy but overall I am at least functioning now.
Now that we have a background, we can start moving ahead. I will try for weekly entries; at the beginning I will try to add weight and symptoms.
And then came the big blow. My sister in law, the one who told me she would never get pregnant while my wounds were still so fresh, announced her second pregnancy and basically told me she didn’t want to be pregnant in the summer and be uncomfortable and I should suck it up.
I started seeing a councilor appointed by my work because life was becoming unbearable. And that is where our lives took a crazy turn. It turns out that Val was also an adoption worker. We ended up spending the hour talking about adoption and she got me so excited about Ethiopia and the possibility of adopting. I was convinced, but I still had to talk to Matthew.
I went home with some info and surprisingly enough he jumped on board right away. I knew he would but I never anticipated how excited he got. We started doing the preliminary work when we found out my job was in jeopardy and Matthew was offered a new one. We put the adoption on hold while he started his new one and I waited out the fate of mine.
When no more news was given on mine we decided with Matthew’s income even if I was to lose my job we would still be fine so we went ahead. On January 26th, 2008 we had our first appointment with Val and started the home study. We filled out our surveys, did criminal record checks, got physicals and HIV tests done, and a bunch of other stuff. We were so preoccupied with that along with Matthew working in Alberta that we didn’t even think about ovulation time. It just happen to fall right when his first three weeks were over and he was at home on a week off.
You could have knocked me over with a feather on February 13, 2008. I had temped the last couple days and it was high but I thought maybe o was off. Then at noon I got this weird feeling and I went and grabbed a couple tests. I felt like an idiot and kept telling myself that they would be negative, just like the 1000 before. It was instantly positive. The pee never even reached the control line and the test line was already positive.
I phoned Matt who was back in Fort Mac and he couldn’t believe it either. I told my sis because I needed some advice but that was it. We were waiting to tell others.
A week and a half later I went to the doc and he got me in for an ultrasound when I was 6 weeks 3 days. The growth measured 6 weeks 1 day and sac size was 5 weeks 6 days but the tech said things can be off and that was all looking normal. A nice strong heartbeat came through at 125 BPM.
We then told siblings. Well, Matt spilled the beans to Dawn, Max knew already because he had to change the litter box, Dana guessed and I emailed Ann. And then shit hit the fan.
The next day Ann emailed back basically telling me that according to an online calendar if I was 6 weeks 3 days at the day of the ultrasound then conception occurred when Matt was away. I am not sure what calendar she was using but after several heated emails, I phoned Max and told him exactly what I thought of his wife. I even sent her my chart and she still didn’t believe me. Makes you wonder what else she thinks of me. It was a rough couple days and I have to admit, she has a new nickname now but I am a bigger person than her and I have put this behind me.
Family was up that same weekend to help move Dawn into her new condo and emotions got the better of me. It didn’t help that morning sickness was starting to set in and I was lacking sleep but now I had to deal with family.
As the days and weeks went on, I got sicker and sicker and lost a few pounds. I wasn’t able to eat much and never had any energy so I took quite a few afternoons off from work.
Now coming up to 11 weeks, I am starting to feel better. I still have my times when I am sick to my stomach and have no energy but overall I am at least functioning now.
Now that we have a background, we can start moving ahead. I will try for weekly entries; at the beginning I will try to add weight and symptoms.
Background Continued
I will never forget that day. It was April 14th, one day shy of 9 weeks and I was out for my usual Saturday walk. I usually walked a couple miles outside to local stores to get some exercise. I was in Home Depot and had to pee so I went to the bathroom and as an avid TTC’er, I checked internally for cervical mucous (I don’t know why) and there were scants of brown blood. I freaked and ran the mile home where Matthew was cleaning the garage and I started crying. He tried calming me and said some is normal (how he knew I will never know) so I went for a shower. Before and after my shower I checked and there was now a bit more with some red blood. I went downstairs and told him we were going to the ER.
While at the ER I lied a teeny bit to get in faster. They ran a few tests but since ultrasound was backed up and the HCG was at 20,000, they sent me home and told me my cervix was closed and I was fine. Everyone assured me it was normal. I kept bleeding for the next several days, never enough to need a pad, sometimes just a liner but mostly it was internal. I went to a walk in doctor that Tuesday and got an ultrasound appointment for that Thursday. I had to know hat was going on.
I took a couple hours off from work and met Matt there. I was busting because of the water and was reasonably calm. I thought there is no way God would take this baby away from us. She tried the abdominal and couldn’t see anything. I should have known what was happening.
After emptying my bladder she did a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I saw the image and the first thing I said was it was the right shape. The tech paused, had a funny look on her face and said yea, but it is measuring small. She looked at a few other things and asked if my dates were right. I knew for a fact they were because if I was only 5 weeks 6 days like I was measuring, I would have gotten pregnant started my cycle the day I got my positive test. I started to cry. Matt was confused and I looked at him and said its over. The tech grabbed me Kleenex and told Matt that if he didn’t hug me she would. He grabbed me and held on while I cried.
I left that ultrasound place without my first picture and with such an empty feeling. I cannot describe to you the pain I felt. The emptiness hurt. Making those calls to friends and family was so difficult but it had to be done. I phoned work and took the next day off. My parents came in to comfort me and my brother in law made a lasagna. My best friend sent me my favorite chocolates with a note telling me to hold those till she could get to me. It was great to have a support system.
I had decided to let nature take its course but I ended up having a D&C on Sunday (April 22) morning at 12 a.m. I just freaked out and needed the baby out of me. Baby m stayed with me for 4 weeks after its heart stopped beating and I needed to heal emotionally.
I Never Had a Chance
I never had a chance to see your little heart beat,
Something happened early on to make you give up in defeat.
I never had a chance to feel you little feet kick,
Your legs were barely forming when God chose you to pick.
I never had a chance to see you alive on the screen,
No movement, no heartbeat, no matter how much I did plead.
I never had a chance to experience all that I should,
We only had a short time together though I loved every moment I could.
I never had a chance to hold you tight at night,
To kiss you, to hug you, to make you feel all right.
We waited three long years for that feeling that made us dance,
I tried so hard to meet you but I never had the chance.
While at the ER I lied a teeny bit to get in faster. They ran a few tests but since ultrasound was backed up and the HCG was at 20,000, they sent me home and told me my cervix was closed and I was fine. Everyone assured me it was normal. I kept bleeding for the next several days, never enough to need a pad, sometimes just a liner but mostly it was internal. I went to a walk in doctor that Tuesday and got an ultrasound appointment for that Thursday. I had to know hat was going on.
I took a couple hours off from work and met Matt there. I was busting because of the water and was reasonably calm. I thought there is no way God would take this baby away from us. She tried the abdominal and couldn’t see anything. I should have known what was happening.
After emptying my bladder she did a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I saw the image and the first thing I said was it was the right shape. The tech paused, had a funny look on her face and said yea, but it is measuring small. She looked at a few other things and asked if my dates were right. I knew for a fact they were because if I was only 5 weeks 6 days like I was measuring, I would have gotten pregnant started my cycle the day I got my positive test. I started to cry. Matt was confused and I looked at him and said its over. The tech grabbed me Kleenex and told Matt that if he didn’t hug me she would. He grabbed me and held on while I cried.
I left that ultrasound place without my first picture and with such an empty feeling. I cannot describe to you the pain I felt. The emptiness hurt. Making those calls to friends and family was so difficult but it had to be done. I phoned work and took the next day off. My parents came in to comfort me and my brother in law made a lasagna. My best friend sent me my favorite chocolates with a note telling me to hold those till she could get to me. It was great to have a support system.
I had decided to let nature take its course but I ended up having a D&C on Sunday (April 22) morning at 12 a.m. I just freaked out and needed the baby out of me. Baby m stayed with me for 4 weeks after its heart stopped beating and I needed to heal emotionally.
I Never Had a Chance
I never had a chance to see your little heart beat,
Something happened early on to make you give up in defeat.
I never had a chance to feel you little feet kick,
Your legs were barely forming when God chose you to pick.
I never had a chance to see you alive on the screen,
No movement, no heartbeat, no matter how much I did plead.
I never had a chance to experience all that I should,
We only had a short time together though I loved every moment I could.
I never had a chance to hold you tight at night,
To kiss you, to hug you, to make you feel all right.
We waited three long years for that feeling that made us dance,
I tried so hard to meet you but I never had the chance.
Background
Where to begin.
I guess a bit of a background is needed to set the stage. My husband Matthew and I were married on July 6, 2002. We knew we wanted kids, but we also wanted a house and I needed to finish school. In 2004 we purchased our home and I started a great job with the government. After a scare in April, we realized it wouldn’t be a scare at all. I stopped birth control and in August we officially started trying. I was ready for that baby in nine months. Little did I know…
We ran into adversity right away after finding out our sister in law (Ann) was pregnant by accident after just getting married. Though happy for them, I was devastated for me. My body was not cooperating as it should and now I had to watch someone else be pregnant. I struggled to deal and it got worse when my sister (Dawn) announced her pregnancy. It was also an oops and she had never planned on having kids. Once again I was happy for them but struggling to hang on for myself. My cycles were getting longer and longer and it seemed like the effort was futile.
Babies were born and many more pregnancies were announced and I learned to deal. After passing the one year mark, I sought medical intervention. Both Matt and I underwent tests and we both checked out fine. I was given a script for Clomid in December 05. The Clomid worked in a sense that it seemed to kick start my body into ovulating on its own but I was still not pregnant. We unhappily celebrated the 2 year mark of trying and then started looking into adoption. We gave it our all but nothing was working.
A couple days before Valentine’s day in 07 I took Matt out for supper and told him I was done. I could not do the hormones anymore, the testing, the constant struggle. I needed time. We decided to take a year off and I got more information about adoption. I left for Edmonton to go see my best friend in early March. I drove by myself and had plenty of time to laugh and cry and accept the situation. I had a blast with my friend and I came back refreshed. I was nearing the end of my cycle so I temped a couple times to know when to expect my period when my temp kept going up. I grabbed a test on 18dpo and it immediately came up positive! I woke up Matt and he asked if I was sure. Yes I was. I got a digital to confirm. We were beyond ecstatic, we were elated.
We told family after my HCG was confirmed rising at 6 weeks. We told friends shortly after. I walked on air. I didn’t have any morning sickness and I couldn’t wait for our bundle of joy to arrive in November.
I guess a bit of a background is needed to set the stage. My husband Matthew and I were married on July 6, 2002. We knew we wanted kids, but we also wanted a house and I needed to finish school. In 2004 we purchased our home and I started a great job with the government. After a scare in April, we realized it wouldn’t be a scare at all. I stopped birth control and in August we officially started trying. I was ready for that baby in nine months. Little did I know…
We ran into adversity right away after finding out our sister in law (Ann) was pregnant by accident after just getting married. Though happy for them, I was devastated for me. My body was not cooperating as it should and now I had to watch someone else be pregnant. I struggled to deal and it got worse when my sister (Dawn) announced her pregnancy. It was also an oops and she had never planned on having kids. Once again I was happy for them but struggling to hang on for myself. My cycles were getting longer and longer and it seemed like the effort was futile.
Babies were born and many more pregnancies were announced and I learned to deal. After passing the one year mark, I sought medical intervention. Both Matt and I underwent tests and we both checked out fine. I was given a script for Clomid in December 05. The Clomid worked in a sense that it seemed to kick start my body into ovulating on its own but I was still not pregnant. We unhappily celebrated the 2 year mark of trying and then started looking into adoption. We gave it our all but nothing was working.
A couple days before Valentine’s day in 07 I took Matt out for supper and told him I was done. I could not do the hormones anymore, the testing, the constant struggle. I needed time. We decided to take a year off and I got more information about adoption. I left for Edmonton to go see my best friend in early March. I drove by myself and had plenty of time to laugh and cry and accept the situation. I had a blast with my friend and I came back refreshed. I was nearing the end of my cycle so I temped a couple times to know when to expect my period when my temp kept going up. I grabbed a test on 18dpo and it immediately came up positive! I woke up Matt and he asked if I was sure. Yes I was. I got a digital to confirm. We were beyond ecstatic, we were elated.
We told family after my HCG was confirmed rising at 6 weeks. We told friends shortly after. I walked on air. I didn’t have any morning sickness and I couldn’t wait for our bundle of joy to arrive in November.
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