After all that

I cannot believe what is happening. We got a phonecall yesterday from our homestudy worker. Our province denied our application. They said we need to have 6 months in between children. We tried explaining that there is that time in between. So they back tracked and said we hid everything from them. We told them we were advised not to say anything till the 6 month mark because of my history. They told us to resubmit in 8 months but until then we have been removed from all lists which is not fair because we haven't even had this child yet. They can't remove us because I am pregnant!

I don't know what is going to happen. This means if we resubmit in 8 months, we would be looking at placement around October 2010. But if I get pregnant again any time, its on hold again. I don't have many years left to have more biological children, so now what do we do? Frankly Matt is so pissed that he just wants to stop it all but this is my dream. I am turning my back on a child and I can't do that.

Either way, we are out approx $3000. We had already paid the non-refundable retainer because I wanted to be proactive. That will teach me.

Since I have been complaining so much, here is my recent pics.

32 weeks.

The post I never wanted to post.

Nothing bad - I am still pregnant. In fact, that is it. On Friday I uttered the words I never thought I would "I am so sick of being pregnant." I was ashamed and shocked and then of course I started crying.

The last couple weeks have been rough. I have severe back pain to the point where I can't even walk anymore without crying. Nothing seems to resolve it either. It is my midback and stretches to my ribs. I cannot express to you what it feels like. Matt gets sick of rubbing my back and I am sick of trying to explain to him it is not a relaxing thing, it is a necessity.

My heartburn has peaked. Hopefully when baby drops this will taper a bit but for now I am loving the people over at the Zantac company.

The swelling continues to be a problem and is now accompanied by cramping and shortness of breath when I try to exercise. Compbine all those and you will know why I am at 36 pounds at 32 weeks. Yep, that's right, not a typo. Crap.

And the peeing. I now pee 8 times a night. I am not joking. She is pusing on my bladder so much that I barely have a sip of water and I need to pee. I have been trying to sleep in the master bedroom because there is abathroom attached but it has been so freaking hot I prefere to be two levels down in the basement where there is a 10C difference. Unfortunately the closest bathroom is on the main floor so that means climbing the stairs 8 times a night. It sucks.

Lastly - the mommy marks. I knew they were coming. I was happy they held off till now but still sad to see the beginnings of some tiny little stretch marks. They are on my sides, basically along the underwhere line heading down that general region. Still hard to see but by the end they will be strong. I hope they stay int hat general region though, that I can hadle.

I know it will be all worth it and I love this baby more than life itself, but I can't help but cry pretty much every day. I am sick of not feeling like myself. It sucked enough I missed the summer and now when I am getting a bit more comfty temp wise, the rest of me is giving out. I am even looking forward to the labour now because it means this will soon be over.

I just keep telling myself that in 8 weeks I will know why I did this. They just can't go by fast enough.

I have how much time left???

First I want to say that I am really appreciative that:
I have central air
I have a great boss who lets me leave if I need to
I have a husband who helps me when I am having trouble
I am more than blessed to have a baby in my tummy and a baby in my heart
And lastly, I have central air.

Now for the rant.

How freaking hot is it going to get?? It was 38C yesterday. Not only did I swell up like a balloon but I ended up dehydrated and really sick. I can't sleep properly because my back is hurting so much. I have leg cramps from hell and I can barely go up a flight of stairs without wanting tot ake a nap. And the heartburn has gotten so bad I am throwing up acid. And seriously? I am only 32 weeks this weekend? Give me a break. And considering this kid will probably go over by at least a week, I am looking at 9 more weeks of this.

I am getting sick of the same comments over and over. How long do you have left, your gonna be huge, do you know what it is, etc. So I have taken to really sarcastic remarks. When someone asks how long I have left and reply with I will be huge, I usually respond with a "at least the weight will come off, you can't lose the {ugly/attitude/fat/etc} that easy (I personalize each one :). When someone asks if I know what it is, I say yes, a baby. When they ask if I know the sex I say yes, that is what got me here in the first place.

The things that make you scream

I swear if one more person tells me I am big for 7 months I am going to scream. You don't think I know that? I am the one carrying around the extra load and I am the one that falls and can't get back up. Yeesh! I would dream of saying that to a pregnant women.

Another thing that makes me scream - I am 30 weeks! I am down to an appointment with the OB every 2 weeks and I am getting so close.

As well, the adoption has finally moved into the next stage. There is a few minor pieces we need to get before we ship everything off to the adoption agency. I can't believe how time is flying.

She's a rider fan too!

We went to the game yesterday and everyone thought it would be great to paint the belly. I got a lot of comments but the one I liked the most was "you don't have any stretch marks!" I can't believe that pleased me so much. :)

Yesterday I was laying on my side while watching TV and I had my hand on my belly like usual and the coolest thing happened. She stuck her foot out and left it there! I could not see the foot but there was a noticable bump sticking out. So I poked it and moved it. She let me move it for a bit, then drew it back and kicked me hard, almost like she was saying to leave her alone. It was a really neat experience.

Feel free to read!

I see I have some new readers, just wanted to let you know the more the merrier. I am bad about adding tags to my messages but I am glad Iluska you found this and keep reading!

Bring on the popcorn, its going to be a showdown

I don't know how many of you out there belong to different bulletin boards but if you are, you know what I am going to say.

I am sick of the drama! I am sick of people complaining that they never got the stuff at their baby shower that they had registered for. I am sick of hearing how cheap some presents were. Since when did this become about the gifts? I thought this was about the baby growing inside you? Be happy you even get a shower, I probably won't have one. I don't even want the presents, I just want to gather with people and show them my bump and celebrate the miracle growing inside me.

And how about all the bashers that need to call every single person out? Yes I am one of those who struggled to get pregnant and yes I swore I would never complain (I always lie :)) but come on. You don't expect me to never mention the fact that my ankles are huge and I retain about 10 extra pounds a day in water, or that my back hurts so bad sometimes I can't get up. Or what about the fact that I can't reach my feet to clip my nails. I am not complaining and wishing I had never done this, I am mearly expressing what is going on in my life. Frankly I would rather read about that then the useless threads like what my nursery closet looks like. Who the hell cares.

**steps off soapbox**

Okay, now that that is out of my system... I think I want popcorn.

Have another entry for the book I am writing

If I ever get around to writing that book I am going to dedicate a whole chapter to shaving. The legs aren't too bad, yes they are splothcy and I have cut myself several times but that isn't all that bad. It is the bikini area that is really giving me a run for my money.

I do not and never have liked it to be 'wild'. I have always been well trimmed and taken care of. (Tee hee, what a blog hey?) But it is impossible now! I have tried a mirror in the shower, even the anti-fog ones fog up. Plus there is nothing like dancing on a wet surface trying to manuever to see more. I have tried guessing (you can imagine how well that turned out) and at a last ditched effort, I tried dry shaving (hold for winces). Yes it hurt like hell and now on top of smelling like fart, I can't stop itching my crotch.

Speaking of fart, I have a story for you. I had a pregnancy dvd that had a couples section. I finally convinced Matt to do it with me - he only had to provide resistance. Well I was having a prety flatulent day and the workout had squats in it. You do the math. Well apparently even though I warned him, the one that came out was deadly. He started gagging and screaming 'Gross!' Well of course that made me laugh so hard I peed myself. I guess I don't have to tell you we won't be doing that again.